Counting the days..... again for.... times...

Hmm.. I've been counting the days.. after recovering from depression that I've had since 2004. All these while it's been so difficult for me to manage my state of health. Now I believe that to be happy, we need to take care of ourselves before others and I always put others first, which is actually my weakness. Letting go of the one person that I love was the most terrible thing that I did. I've never expected that I would suffer a very great loss in my life. Maybe it was not meant to be... I gave up on him just because he was seeing somebody else.. I thought maybe he wasn't happy to be with me that made him do such a thing.. and that I wasn't spending much time with him. Sad.. Yeah.. the relationship wasn't meant to be.. :( All these things make me think about what I've been through in life.. I'm still finding life so complicated when we have to deal with relationships and breakups.. So, i'm still counting the days when I will find the one special guy.. Insyallah.. :)

I met with several of my old friends, classmates and even former students asking me the one particular question, i.e. marriage. Well, most of my former students are happily engaged, a few are already married with several kids now, and almost all of them are attached with someone special. I can count only a handful of my friends who are not married and not yet attached to somebody. Everybody would say that the single ladies are all choosy or ignorant, or just don't bother to get into a relationship. Wrong answer!!! We are only human and we need someone to love and take care of us. We also have feelings and it's kinda sad if people mistakenly thought that we are those who never smile at other people or not friendly with others. They never know that deep down inside every single lady is a kind heart, a caring soul who would never give up trying to get people to understand their nature. It is as if watching a movie where only the popular girls would be asked out on a date, while those unpopular ones who only read books and very shy would not be asked (or perhaps guys would not want to date them). So, do you think that these unpopular girls are choosy? or.... let me see... who's the one being choosy? Good question, right?

Like most of the time when friends come over to comfort you after you have settled down or you're done with the breakup issue, they raised the issue that you are the one having the problem and not the guy or vice versa. Well, does that mean if the guys who broke up with you got married after dumping you, the fault comes from you.. Poor thing!! It is sad when people make judgements about other people. But does those people who judges, knows what's going on and what actually happened? It's not easy to make or please people. They only thought that if a guy dumps a girl, then when either one of them marries another person, the other single person who stays unattached with anyone, is the one who's at fault. Of course, either one of them is happy or perhaps both of them are happy. But people usually look at the one who stays single as being choosy. Ah... what am I writing here...???

I guess I'm just too stressed out and I'm still counting the days when I finally get to marry the one who loves me for the rest of my life... :)

Interesting... really enjoyed...

Interesting.... Today I'm a bit happier than I was yesterday. Well, as usual I'm teaching in the morning and during break I received a phone call. I thought it was from my ubd supervisor but to my surprise it was from the Human Resource Development, MoE.

I have no idea what they wanted but they asked me to attend some sort of interview at 2.30 p.m. at the MoE, Berakas. I asked what it was about, but they said nothing, just want to ask you about something and I was totally blank.. Should I bring anything? They said I do not need to bring anything, just be there on time. If I cannot make it on that day, they asked me to give them a call anytime.. Wow!! What's so important about this??? I just haven't any clue!!! Again clueless..

Not long after, I received a text message from my colleague who were in the Melbourne trip, saying that she too had to go there tomorrow. So, automatically I thought that this MUST be something to do with the NSSCME project that we were involved in last year. I told her not to worry, it should be something to do with our next presentation in a Primary school which is scheduled on Wednesday, next week. I asked if the others received that call, and they didn't... (that makes me think...)

So, I called my colleague and she thought it is either the project, or another project, or scholarship... but I haven't applied for that yet.. Haven't got the time to write the proposal and look for the right Uni, but I still have that in mind. hmm... again that left me thinking.. well, I'm a 'heavy' thinker.. yup, True!! and that makes me worry too much.. which is actually not good for the mind and heart. Hope it is just another project and not.. a position there... hahaha... see.. my mind is so actively thinking of something else right now..

I had to drive all the way from KB to meet my supervisor to discuss about the abstract for the conference. On the way, I stopped at Express, Tutong and there I met with my old friends from university. Wow, it's been a while I haven't seen them. Really missed them. Chat with them for half an hour while drinking my choc milk shake.. hehe..

Went to the Jame' Asr to perform my solat dzuhur and there I met with my niece (my cousin's daughter) and her friends who were my former student. They had completed their A levels in Institute Tahfiz AlQuran and still awaiting for being called to enter the university. They have grown up so fast and they looked more mature now and I felt so "small" compared to them.. Hmm... yeah, my niece scored two A levels which is Al-Quran and Mathematics.. that's really good.. I really envy her, coz she's very good in Al-Quran. Alhamdulillah.. I remember teaching the other student "Thinking Skills" which is a very good exposure to how to organise thinking and also managing thinking so that one can do well in their studies as well as in an organization.

Went back home after taking a parcel from my brother who is a member of the LSCB and to be sent to my other brother in KB who is also a big fan of that club. hehehe..

Look at the time.. it is already 12.46 a.m. and I've just finished preparing the relief for tomorrow. I wonder what the meeting at moe will be.. hmm... So, just wait and see..

........blank......

It wasn't really the best day to day for me as I had been told of several things...
Hmm... I guess it will be one of those unfavourable years again for me.. :(

When I think about all the work that I've done and whatever they really meant to me, it somehow doesn't meet my own objectives of being a teacher. Not that I'm not doing the profession, it is just that most of my time was spent on doing other duties besides teaching, i.e the work in the administration. Starting from relief work, to preparing timetable, preparing exam and test timetables.. preparing timetable for the UBD trainees, timetable for the Relief teachers, schedules of students, classrooms, library, PE, Science labs, checking the salaries of relief teachers and so on. The list goes on and on... and more coming soon.. when the time comes... sigh....

I really, really do hope that there will be somebody else to assist me in my duties as I know that I cannot do all the job at once. It feels like the work is coming on to me.... that is really scary!!!!
So, I cannot say that I can be happy or feel happy for what I am doing right now. But I always enjoy teaching as it is my profession and that is the only reason for me to take the course in UBD in the first place, i.e. BSc Education.. and I really love Mathematics. It never occurred to me that I'll be offered to do other duties other than teaching and with only 5 years teaching I was already being the senior mistress academic.. I thought that it was quite sudden and I felt that I wasn't ready to take up that position.. All I know is that 5 years experience was only very little knowledge being a teacher which I understand was 0 - 5 years teaching experience for beginning teachers, and only after 6 - 10 years experience for practicing teachers and then grows from there.. better experienced teachers. I was not even 25 years old when I was appointed to be the senior mistress academic and I know at that time I needed to further my studies.

So, I got the opportunity to further take up my Masters in education in UBD and I was very happy with that decision. But when I returned back after studying, I was given more and more duties which they say "berbaloi dengan gaji yang diperolehi"... Hmmm..... I thought.. maybe it is.. but does that include "berbaloi" with time to spend with family and friends and loved ones.. I guess not.. I lost most of those valuable time because I had to spend most of my time in the office till around 6 pm and that I got used to being a workaholic.. when do I get to be happy with my life, yeah I mean my own time.. well, the only answer is... taking a vacation.. but that does not work..

During vacations, I always (I mean never missed) receving calls and text messages asking me about the school work and especially exam results... I guess maybe they thought that a single lady like me do not have other things to do besides WORK... hahahahaha...

Oh No!! I'm so tired of being ignored of my wishes.. The work keeps coming back to me... Ya Allah... tolong lah hamba Mu ini...

Just a thought... and I guess I'm just too emo today.. well, lots of things in my mind..

Will write something else soon..

Offers... opportunities...gifts..

I've just finished writing my abstracts that I'm proposing for the conference.. well, hopefully it will be accepted so that I can present it and publish for the international education journals.. hmm.. still to be decided. Insyallah..

This afternoon I received a call from a colleague of mine (from the Melbourne training) asking me if I also receive a call from a primary school principal to conduct a workshop for some primary school teachers. I told her that I did received the call last month and I was very busy that month that I couldn't conduct the workshop during the dates that was planned by the primary school. My colleague and I have decided to accept the invitation next week as I'll be quite busy this week. So, I guess it's better for the school to provide at least one of the individual student's result in Reading, Writing and Mathematics during the workshop to get the teachers well-informed on how to interpret the results of the tests. Since I'll be having afternoon classes from Tuesdays to Thursdays, I had to decide on the date. I will only be having class on Tuesday from 1.30 p.m. to 2.30 p.m. next week and I thought that should be the right time for both of us to conduct the workshop. This means that after class I will have to go to that school and help the teachers out with the interpretation.

Holidays? Hmm... this March I will not be taking any leave as I know that I will be involved in the Fire fighting course. hehehe... Well, every teacher should take part and certificates will be given to all participants. I just wonder... my size.. hmm.... (thinking)

This evening I chat with one officer from the moe and she asked me about my id number. I later found out that they'll be proposing my name for a seminar in a neighbouring country and then also visiting some places there. Well, that's just a proposal which may or may not be approved. Still waiting for confirmation. I'm not hoping for that.. kalau ada rezeki, ambil lah peluang tu.. Insyallah..

I'm kinda tired these few days due to work and I don't have enough rest. Hmm.. I'm glad too coz last week I went out for a movie with my buddies and went shopping.. that's the best part.. shopping.. hehe.. always a remedy for stress... that's right I did overcome my stress.. and I enjoyed that day as I don't have to do work.. :)

So... what's next..... just hoping to receive something.... this year... Insyallah...

Compose....

These few weeks will be quite busy with my usual routine of duties, as a teacher and also in the administration, with the entry of the Menengah 5 repeating students as well as their choice of subjects. The school has plans for the students and that they will go through several motivational sessions, i.e. academic (examinations and study tips), as well as career opportunities after the second time seating for the BGCE O Level exams. There will be lots of planning on these, but whether all these matters will be agreed by the concerned units, everything had to go through the big bosses. Moreover, these talks are not only for the repeaters, but very essential for all the Menengah 5 students, in general. So, from our part, i.e. the admin side is to provide a suitable date, venue and time on when these planned schedule can be conducted.

Besides the enrollment of the Menengah 5 repeating students, there has to be a monitoring system in which the repeating students should show progress in their studies. This will definitely a big challenge for the students as well as the teachers teaching these particular students. A positive one! If the teachers are able to boost up the students results in the first preliminary exam, credits should be given to the teachers for their efforts and hardwork in reaching their target, as well as helping out these "needy" students to achieve their goals with a minimum of 4 credits (above 60% marks). Well, it is just a matter of time now.. and that hopefully everything goes well. Insyallah.. So, since it is quite high to achieve the target, but the students must get more than 4 credits by that time. Teachers should cooperate in fulfilling the target and help out their Appraisal reports. :)

On Thursday I received a call from my former UBD supervisor during my lunch break.. I was still doing my admin stuffs at around 12.50 p.m. when he called. He's got good news for me, which is to offer me to write a joint paper for the conference that will be in May this year. I had the intention to write the paper by myself and had downloaded the forms in december last year but somehow I was so held back with my school duties which forced me to not be able to write an abstract for the conference. So, I thought the applications for paper presentation was already closed on 24 January, but my former supervisor called to inform me that it has been extended to 21 February.. I'm really glad that he called to let me know about this matter. I was frustrated when I was not able to write the abstract to be sent on 24 January, but now I'm getting excited to get the abstract done. I'm in the middle of composing it, while trying to decide which part of the dissertation that I should include in the actual paper presentation which will be published in the international conference later. I do hope that I can work with my supervisor on this but at the moment it is raining and the weather is not very promising.. so, I guess I had to email him rather than meet him at the university. I'm really glad to be given this second chance and hope that the joint paper will be accepted and published. Something to do with homework which matches one of the criteria of the conference, i.e. bridge between home and school. Insyallah.. Doa2 kan saya yer..

Work is as usual.. I planned to go to the UK Education fair soon as I have one thing in mind, i.e. further studies.. Just hoping that I can find a good university that will accept my masters degree and my proposal to continue doing a phd. Kalau ada rezeki.. Insyallah.. Now, I'm still working on it and will always remember what I told my students to D.U.I.T.

Work... work... work...

Salam..

It's been quite a while I have not updated my blog. Well, I've been busy with lots of scheduling and my duties doesn't allow me to have much time to post something here. My days have been filled with lots of markings, setting of classwork, homework to students, and also preparing the format template for SBA for Year 7 and Year 8 to be used this year for our school, reorganising the new timetable for new teachers, doing the analysis for the BGCE O Level exam 2008, preparing slide presentation (while cracking my brains) on how to give full support to all the academic programmes and not forgetting my tiny part in the homework care programme, managing relief periods for classes without English teachers (we are in DESPERATE need for THREE MORE English teachers!!!) because we only have 2 local teachers, 1 contract teacher and 2 CFBT teachers teaching in our school, and also for classes without Combined Science teachers (we need TWO MORE Science teachers), as well as TWO Home Economics teachers, and we need at LEAST ONE MALE Physical Education teacher (we ONLY have ONE FEMALE teacher at the moment, so the boys had to be taught by teachers who do not have any BASIC Training in PE) and not forgetting LOTS of meetings.

January was very hectic for me with lots of things to do, I had OverTime twice on a Friday which I worked from 8.00 a.m. till 4.00 p.m. in school with my dear friend. Once I had to mark my students' work from 2.00 p.m. NON-STOP till 11.00 p.m. in the evening. Wow, such an accomplishment.. I really do hope that people can understand what I've gone through the past few weeks. Ermm.. It has come to my attention that during meetings, it seems like when I start to come up with some certain ideas, people tend to 'talk behind' and disregard whatever it was I had suggested. Maybe they "know" too much that I do not have to share my ideas.. or perhaps they just want me to "stop" giving ideas which they had thought of earlier.. hmm.. why not give that idea in the first place before I came up with it..? that would be their "original" idea if I hadn't spoken about it.. "Ahh.. ia saja ni kan bagi idea.. macam tah orang inda tahu.. konon pandai tia.. si tahu.." Hrmm... well, for those people who have those kind of thought in their minds, I'm just letting you know that I have no intention of taking your ideas and that nobody knows it somebody's ideas unless it is made known by somebody. Have I spoken about the true fact here? I'm just speaking out what I think is logical and sensible, which can be accepted by anyone who have been in my situation. I'm no actor to being "mengada2" or "too much info" or "being a know-what-who" person. Whatever it is, I never have anything on you guys. Not even a slightest thought.. but when it is something that bothering and that there is not much feedback or respond after giving several instructions.. I guess it sure means that there is some kind of "coaching" done with some groups of individuals. So sorry to have to write things in this post.. but it's my personal blog which I treat like my diary.. Well, I'm sure you have your own responsibility with your own position in school and I have my duties and responsibility as well which, I dare say, is much more demanding than yours. So, think about it..

I understand that sometimes we may make mistakes as we are only human. Of course, I agree with that. I remember several times that I requested to have an assistant for my post, but I never did get any one to help me. So, I had to do everything on my own just to get everything done. My friends already commented on my work as being too much for me and a friend told me not to be a "Superwoman" as in doing other people's work while doing my own work at the same time.. Yeah, I admitted that I always help others and I end up not helping myself.. and become so helpless. Who wants to help? I'm sure no one.. I've tried that before.. Asking people to help me to do something.. "Ada sesiapa mahu tolong aku...?".. Everybody just looked at me with blank faces for a few seconds and then continued with their own businesses.. lolz.. funny.. Hmm.. thank you.. at least I get a chance to continue my studies, berkat usaha dan keikhlasan ku...Alhamdulillah... It's ok I was not helped, but I'm just sad if people doesn't want to volunteer unless it is being "stated in the Memo".. Huh?? What happened to being Pro-Active?? Hahaha... I can count... only a handful.. Good.. but I guess it's not enough just being pro-active in the classroom.. Ok.. I guess it's enough being said.

I will not add so much more.. just let it be.. I'm just venting out those "unwanted air", to avoid from inhaling too deeply and get drowned in suffocation.. Let me be free from those strong negative vibes and focus on my work. I guess I'm just so stressed out.. Hopefully I can release it...